MileHighDad.com

Lovely isn’t it? I get called this when my 5YO son gets really mad at me, otherwise I am just a Butt Crack when he isn’t really steaming at me but still mad at something I did.

Case in point, just now on our way home from his morning at the clubhouse swimming, jamming with Mark on the Tumble Boogie and being a part of the Y sponsored Kids Club, oh and we did the playground for 5 minutes before riding the bike path through the tunnel home. He decided after getting to the top of the hill after the tunnel he was thirsty. I did not bring a water bottle because it’s only an 8 minute ride, door to clubhouse door. He remembered he had a diet Pepsi in his Go Diego Go lunchbox inside the Coz and wanted it now, I said how about at the corner? The corner was 100 feet away and further away from what I guessed to be a mom who was doing yard work in her in her front yard by the Barbie toys in the garage; I did not want the usual At Home Dad sucker comments that these kinds of situations bring on. Phrases like, “oh, is it your day with the kids” or “where’s Mom, you got your hands full” type of remarks.

I calmly pedaled my bike and Bob Coz Trailer to the corner while the insults started to rain down on me; I leaned my bike on it on its kickstand, took my helmet off, put my visor on as the effort at insulting me continued. I gazed over at the mom doing yard work and realized she had taken an interest at what was transpiring on the street so I figured I got to play this good!

I took his pop can out of his lunch box, closed the trailer and set the can on the lid and yelled over to him, “here is your pop when you get thirsty it’s right here” and went and sat down on the curb; upon hearing this he yelled back “you’re a Poopy butt crack and I want my Pepsi here by this white Toyota truck” as I sat there not even ruffled because I had nothing but time and I was not going to lose. For being 5 years old, he sure knows his truck makes and models but that is no reason for me to relent to his demands.

At this point, I calmly got up picked up his soda and put it in my water bottle holder and yelled to him, “I am going home, you’re not thirsty and it’s too hot to play your games AND your bike is in a time out till tomorrow.” I then got on my bike without looking his way and rode around the corner, turned around and stopped out of sight of the vexing attitude. He was screaming out of exasperation as he pedaled his bike around the corner, and when he saw me he stopped threw his bike down and ripped his helmet off and bounced it off the asphalt. I said OK, you are walking home and loaded his bike onto the trailer top knowing full well he was going to interfere after I snapped his helmet to my bike pack and started to walk off pushing our bikes and my trailer. He stepped in and pulled his bike off the trailer while kicking me in the shin. I popped him on the buttocks through his nylon soccer shorts with a pop that had not hurt all the while explaining you do not kick people when you are upset or you get spanks. He was now crying, out of pain or frustration, I am not sure but I think it was out of frustration as the spank was loud but not forceful.

To give in a bit, I gave him his soda which he opened, put his helmet on and fastened it. He took his bike back and then wanted me to carry his Pepsi so he could ride but I wouldn’t. I stopped just out of reach in the street and said “if you want me to carry it, bring it here” as I held out an out stretched arm for it. He held his arm out like it was a big burden while saying “I’m not allowed in the street” which he knew was a charade because we have been practicing riding single file close to the curb. I conceded and took the step required to exchange the soda, dumped half in the gutter so it did not spill on my in the holder as I told him to mount up and ride.

I escorted him to our corner, making sure he was across and riding the concrete slab home and took off at my speed to our garage. I calmly opened the garage door when he pulled in and parked. I moved my bike in after giving him what was left of his soda, which wasn’t much, and then he headed inside to watch TV in the AC. I gathered my gear placed it near the door so as not to forget it and gathered his bike up. I placed his bike up and out of reach for the rest of the day and headed inside while not saying anything about his bikes status.

Just now he walked over to me when I was typing this and he said “sorry Dad for being ugly outside” and I said you sure were, and your bike is still in time out till tomorrow. He said OK and went to play trucks in the cool AC.

So it just goes to show you, this butt crack can remain calm and cool even in the deep poop!

I don’t know if this was the right way to handle this or not but with an audience, I had to play it cool and didn’t back down, well not too much anyway!

Bookmark To:

Tags:   butt · butt crack · poopy butt crack4 Comments